Posted by Teddy Panos, Sun Staff
My baseball team is in shambles!
Not the Red Sox. They’re doing surprisingly well considering the crazy April travel schedule. No, I’m talking about my fantasy baseball team, a collection of supposed “talent” that’s keeping me awake at night and ruining my weekends.
You fantasy geeks out there know exactly what I mean. We live and breathe these make-believe entities. We draft them. We nurture them. We scream at them through the computer when they bat a collective 5-for-42 on Sunday afternoon. We even trade and dump them when they’re no longer of any use to us. Kind of like George Steinbrenner, minus the mega-millions, of course.
And how do these ingrates repay us? Well, by acting like real life major leaguers, that’s how! What’s that you say? They ARE real life major leaguers? Hey, don’t stop my momentum now. I’m about to unleash a Belushi-like rant from the “Animal House” scene where they’re breaking down Delta house.
“Wormer? He’s a dead man! Marmalade? Dead! Niedermeyer? Dead! Lugo?…”
So maybe James “Bluto” Blutarsky, even with his 0.00 GPA, wouldn’t have been stupid enough to draft the Sox shortstop, but you feel my pain, don’t you? Who hasn’t gambled on a player making a comeback from a disappointing season? Is it too much to ask a major leaguer to hit a ball out of the infield from time to time? Thank heavens Lugo can still run, otherwise he wouldn’t have an RBI all year. The only way he plates a runner from third is by beating out the throw on a potential double play grounder he just tapped to shortstop. AAARRRGGGHHH!!!
OK, enough ranting. I feel better now. Time to get to the point of this pointless article.
I need your help. I’m placing the fate of my fantasy team, and what’s left of my sanity, in your hands. I need your advice on who to keep, who to trade and who to outright get rid of just for the satisfaction of dumping his sorry name onto the waiver wire!
Realistic suggestions only, please. Don’t tell me to try trading for Hanley Ramirez by offering Kosuke Fukudome and Yunel Escobar. I’ve already tried that. (An aside here: don’t know what’s a scarier thought…that I know who Kosuke Fukudome and Yunel Escobar are, that I know how to spell their names, or that they’re the only two guys on my roster performing above expectations!)
Is there a sleeper out there I should try waking up? Is there a baby-faced minor leaguer I should shave off the free agent list when he gets called up to the big club? There aren’t many established stars that are underachieving available. If there were, they’d probably already be on my team.
The biggest area of need is slugging. My offense, despite the presence of big boppers Ryan Howard and Ryan Braun is showing less power than a Clinton backer on the Democratic National Committee.
Here’s what I have for offense, which is proving quite offensive: Howard, Braun, Joe Mauer, B.J. Upton, Lugo, Scott Rolen, Alex Gordon, Escobar, Delmon Young, Fukudome, Willie Taveras, Jeremy Hermida and Nick Swisher.
The pitching staff is comprised of Carlos Zambrano, Ben Sheets, Joe Saunders, Jered Weaver, Scott Olsen, Francisco Liriano, Todd Jones, Kerry Wood, Joakim Soria, Tony Pena and Guillermo Mota. The disabled list is stocked with Vernon Wells, Pedro Martinez and Joel Zumaya.
So there you have it, my baseball brethren. That’s my pathetic team. It's now squarely in your hands. Help improve it and not only will I be forever in your debt, but I’ll give you credit for the turnaround in the paper. Do nothing, and run the risk of me starting a food fight and ruining the homecoming parade!
Any friendly advice?