Posted by Teddy Panos, Sun Staff
Remember that Beavis and Butthead episode? The one where Beavis, wanting to prove he was a man, told his friend Butthead to “kick me in the Jimmy!”
Well, that’s what I felt like screaming around 8:50 p.m. Tuesday night. Go ahead David Stern. Take another shot at me and the rest of Celtics Nation. We’ve already been booted so many times before. What’s one more? Kick me in the Jimmy!
Tell me you didn’t feel like you’d taken a shot to the groin when Deputy Commissioner Adam Silver flipped over that card to reveal the Celtics logo in the #5 slot? My immediate reaction was to jump out of my seat and scream out a four-letter expletive (hint: rhymes with the thing hockey players shoot at the goalie). My guess is I wasn’t alone. Heck, next time they run that video on a local newscast, take a look at Silver’s face as he pulls the card out of the envelope. You can clearly see him raise his eyebrows, as if he didn’t believe what he was seeing.
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I’ll tell you who knew what had already happened and was very pleased with it though; David Stern. Did you see how big the smile on his face was during the ESPN interview before the order was revealed? The Commish was downright giddy, especially when discussing how great a player and guy Tim Duncan is. I swear, he was reveling in the thought that Boston fans were about to receive another kick in the Jimmy, a decade after the ultimate kick in the Jimmy. Now, pardon me for a minute while I step out of the role of unbiased reporter and turn into a fan…a very skeptical fan.
How come when the C’s are in the 7-13 bottom spots in terms of record, they never seem to jump up into a surprising top-3 pick? They always stay where they’re supposed to be, don’t they? Yet isn’t it funny how when the NBA has a direct benefit in a particular result, something wacky happens? Think I’m being paranoid? Consider:
Cleveland lands the #1 pick the year Akron, Ohio native LeBron James is available. Michael Jordan’s first year as Washington GM? Wouldn’t you know it, he gets #1. (Too bad for Stern MJ screwed it up by taking and destroying Kwame Brown) Great guy David Robinson needs someone to ride shotgun? Say hello to Tim Duncan, San Antonio. Orlando needs someone to pair up with Shaq, who they lucked into at #1 the year before? Lo and behold, they draw #1 (and Penny Hardaway) again the following year, even though they have the worst chance. Patrick Ewing coming out of college? You guessed it. Knicks win.
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Seattle is about to lose their team because the bazillionaire who owns Starbucks is ticked at voters for not funding a new arena? Well, let’s give them Durant and see if we can work something out in the Pacific Northwest. Speaking of the upper left-hand corner of the country, doesn’t the reigning rookie of the year play in Portland? (See Orlando above) The Grizzlies, Celtics and Bucks are perceived as the biggest tankers of the 2007 season? Well, let’s reward the worst, second worst and third worst teams with their worst possible draft day scenario. How dare the Celtics try to land the big fish that can save the franchise that kept basketball afloat when nobody in the country or world cared for the damned sport! Next thing you know, they’ll ask to remove a dead guy’s salary off the books!!!
Look, I know lotteries have unpredictable results. (Just look at the draft simulator from yesterday) But you have to admit it seems odd how things just seem to work out predictably when a Hall of Fame Caliber player is coming out of school. How can a professional league run such a ridiculous system? (And yes, I know hockey does something similar, but we don’t exactly confuse the NHL for a professionally run league now, do we?) The NFL (the best run of all leagues) goes strictly by record (except for the two Super Bowl participants) and everything seems to work out just fine for that league, doesn’t it?
The NBA instituted this ridiculous lottery because a couple of teams were obviously tanking the year Ralph “Bow-Wow” Sampson was the top prize, so they gave every non-playoff team a chance at the top pick, to discourage the bottom few from tanking. Great logic, huh? Now you have a whole bunch of teams mailing it in instead of one or two, and more often than not, the teams that need the help the most get it the least. What a stupid, stupid system, and I thought that long before last night or 1997!
Then again, it’s a system that allows for a little manipulation, isn’t it?
What are your thoughts on last night’s lottery fiasco? How did you react? Am I being paranoid, or do all these “coincidences” mean something fishy is going on? Where do the Celtics go from here?
P.S. If you think I flew off the deep end on this post, you should have seen what I wanted to write last night! Thankfully, I gave myself a few hours to cool off, otherwise I would have written a slew of things about how it would be poetic justice if Oden goes to Portland only to have Darius Miles and Zach Randolph turn him into a crack head-malcontent!