Posted by Teddy Panos, Sun Staff

You better watch out. You better not cry. Better not give fans the bird. I’m telling you why. Santa Claus is coming, to town.

While Saint Nick files away those letters from boys and girls throughout the world, this jolly old fat guy is busy preparing his own shopping list for all the naughty and nice people who fill our sports pages. Here’s what I have so far;

For the aforementioned Michael Vick, a new position and a new home. 166-yards rushing and only 84-passing does not a winning quarterback make. When LaDainian Tomlinson is a more reliable passer than you, it’s time to re-think your game. Oh, and the only bird that should be flipped on Thanksgiving weekend is a turkey.

For Tom Brady…never mind, he already has everything. Young, rich, good looking, great at what he does, tremendous work ethic, humble…find me one flaw. Even that clef in his chin drives the girls wild.

For Bill Parcells, one last shot at what he calls “the tournament.� Now that the statue of Drew Bledsoe has been removed from behind center, the Cowboys are a legit Super Bowl threat. How insane would it be around here if Super Bowl XLI turned into a Battle of the Bills?

For the Red Sox, a closer, two good middle relievers, a middle infield not manned by Justin Pedroia or Alex Cora, a backup catcher with some upside and the ability to catch a knuckleball, and a potent bat to protect Papi and Manny.

For J.D. Drew, a thick skin. If the notoriously laid back Los Angeles fans start calling you Nancy, just imagine what the Fenway Faithful will do to you.

For Manny Ramirez and Theo Epstein, the common sense to realize the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Ramirez has it pretty good here in Boston, no matter how much pouting he does. And judging by what stiffs like Gary Matthews, Jr. are getting in free agency, Manny’s contract is a bargain for Epstein’s budget. Find a way to make it work, boys!

For Doc Rivers, a month with peace of mind. I’m far from convinced Rivers is a good coach, but the yahoos chanting for his firing the day after Turkey Day need to get in the holiday spirit. We can revisit this good man’s job status after the holidays. Till then, let’s lay off and give him a chance.

For the Lowell Devils, a fan base that cares. If not, a gift certificate from a moving company.

For the Spinners, a playoff season. They’ve had everything else.

For Lowell High football coach…make that “former� coach…Scott Boyle, one more coin flip. I’m not sure exactly what the “demands� are that make coaching football and basketball simultaneously such an impossible task, but until someone shows me teams that can’t compete or are filled with flunking student-athletes who make regular appearances on the police log, I don’t see the harm.

And finally, for O.J. Simpson, a time machine so he can go back and do things all over again, only this time do the right thing. Or he can use it to travel to another time and place far, far away. Don’t go away mad O.J. Just go away!

What gift would you suggest for that special someone on your sports list? How about me...what would you get me?