Vroom! Vroom! Turn Left. Throw back a cold one. Vroom! Vroom! Turn Left. Throw back a cold one.

That’s my imitation of an auto racing fan watching this past weekend’s Indy 500.

Vroom! Vroom! Turn left. “Honey, where’s the aspirin?� Vroom! Vroom! Turn left. ZZZZzzzz…

That’s my imitation of a sports fan watching the Indy 500.

For those of you who don’t get the joke, I’ll spell it out. Real sports fans don’t watch auto racing. You know why? Because it’s not a real sport!

NASCAR Nation might be thinking; “Dang, that Teddy Panos is doggone crazy. Why’s that boy messin’ with us car racing folk? Don’t he know how many of us are out there? Let’s bombard his blog with thousands of hate letters and teach him a lesson.� (Please pardon my Loudon accent)

But I’m not worried, because I don’t really think that many of you exist. Not here in Massachusetts where we actually have better things to do with our time than watch a bunch of guys named Rusty, Junior or “Buckshot� race circles for hours.

Am I totally out of my mind? Maybe. But behind every inflammatory and sarcastic comment, there’s a valid point. Motor heads may have a point, too. But when they wear their #8 hats, you can’t see it.

Let’s address the “car racing as sport� argument first. I don’t care how hot it gets in the car. I don’t care how much “stamina� it takes to sit in a bucket seat for 3-hours. Race car drivers are not athletes!

The real stars of the show are the automobiles themselves. As in thoroughbred racing, horsepower is what counts. Only at Churchill Downs, they give the animal the blanket of roses, not the jockey. How come at the Brickyard, the driver gets to drink the milk? Shouldn’t they celebrate by giving the jet-propelled engine a swig of motor oil instead?

As for the “auto racing is the most attended sporting event in America� argument…yeah right! That’s only because they count the audience at all the bush-league races run over an entire weekend. (And yes, I meant bush-league, not Busch League) What they fail to tell you is that the same 100,000 yahoos attend all the races.

Bob Bahr, owner of New Hampshire International Speedway once told me 95% of the spectators at his track come from out-of-state. Think about that for a minute. Only 5,000 of the 100,000 or so in attendance are actually from the state the race is held in. No wonder parking in the RV lot is tougher to come by than a spot in the proposed Jackson-Appleton Mills complex. The positive news for the good folk of the Granite State is they do account for 58% of the 175,000 teeth in the audience.

You really want to test auto racing’s popularity? Take beer out of the equation. I’m quite sure Fenway Park, Gillette stadium and The Garden would still be packed if turned into dry facilities. Minus the “Clydesdales� factor, Loudon would be less populated on race day than downtown Lawrence after dark.

Back in 1999, my boss sent me to get the dreaded “man on the street� interviews after the Red Sox beat Cleveland in the playoffs. He recommended a bar in Derry, NH. The first guy I approached wasn’t a baseball fan. He liked NASCAR. The second said he hadn’t seen the clinching game because he watched pro wrestling instead.

Guess which was the better interview?

What are your thoughts on the Indy 500 and auto racing in general?