Remember the movie A Bronx Tale, the one featuring Robert DeNiro as a hard-working father trying to raise his son the right way in a neighborhood where the role model is the local gangster? For those of us who “occasionally��? enjoy testing our knowledge of the NFL, the most memorable character in the underrated flick isn’t DeNiro as the Dad, or his son “C��?, or even the silky smooth Mafioso played by Chaz Palmienteri.

No, the character we most associate with is Eddie “Mush,��? the sad sack loser who earned his nickname because everything he touched turned to “mush.��? Be it cards, dice, or horse racing, Eddie “Mush��? couldn’t pick his nose, never mind a winner.

My favorite scene is the one where the guys are at the track, rooting on their favorite pony as he takes the lead out of the gate and keeps it rounding the final turn on the way to sure victory. Just then, Eddie “Mush��? appears, screaming his support for the same horse. Hearing this, the “Wiseguys��? turn to leave in disgust, ripping up their tickets before the race is even over. Naturally, Eddie is left staring in astonishment as the glue factory-bound horse loses the lead and finishes out of the money.

Why do I refer to this scene? Well because each year, NFL fans waste millions trying to gain an advantage from so-called “experts��? and “prognosticators.��? What these poor souls fail to realize is that picking football games against the spread is much like proposing to J-Lo and getting her down the aisle….a 50-50 proposition at best. Only in the world of football and Vegas, a 50-50 split equals a loss. And what these “touts��? and “documented winners��? fail to tell their audience is that over the long haul, the best they can do is one Marc Antony and one Ben Afleck.

What you really need to gain the upper hand is your own Eddie “Mush,��? someone who’s wrong so often, you’ll be right just by going against him. Enter “The Victim,��? a person so incapable of picking winners he can make you a winner.

The trick; find out what “The Victim��? thinks will happen and go the other way. And that’s where I come in. Each week between now and the end of the NFL playoffs, I will deliver, free of charge, “The Victim’s��? picks. Consider it a gift to you, my loyal readers!

Now you might ask; who is this “Victim��? and how do you know him, Teddy? Well, I can’t answer those questions other than to say “The Victim��? is such a high ranking government official, they’d have to torture and kill both of us if his identity ever became public. Let’s just say I’ve known “The Victim��? since I was a kid, and through the years, I’ve matched wits against him (just for fun, of course) on every televised football game. Be it the middle of church services, a family function, or a 21-hour drive to Florida, “The Victim’s��? caller ID is sure to pop-up on my cell phone before kickoff.

What can I deliver as proof of “The Victim’s��? uncanny resemblance to Eddie “Mush?��? Well, think of how during each and every game they pop up this ridiculous statistic on your TV screen? You know the ones that say something like; “Sammy Surefoot��? hasn’t missed a field goal attempt of less than 40-yards in his last 1,231 attempts. Sure enough, if “The Victim��? has sided with “Sammy’s��? team, that boot will be wider than Roseanne Arnold’s waistline!

Don’t believe me? Remember the NFC Championship Game a few years ago between the Vikings and Falcons? The Vikings led by seven with about 2-minutes to go, and Gary Anderson lined up for a chip shot field goal to give Minnesota a 10-point lead and a Super Bowl berth. That’s Gary Anderson, as in the same Gary Anderson who hadn’t missed a field goal attempt all year and set an NFL record in the process. Yup, you guessed it! The kick sailed wide, the Falcons came back to score a touchdown and win the game in overtime. Care to venture a guess as to who had the Vikings minus the points that day? Enough said!

So with the introductions out of the way and without any further ado, I present to you “The Victim’s��? picks for this weekend:

Seattle (-9) over Washington:

Denver (-3) over New England

Indianapolis (-9 1/2) over Pittsburgh

Chicago (-3) over Carolina

Four games. Four favorites. Do with the information anything you wish. Just don’t say I didn’t try to help. And don’t take out a second mortgage!