Best friends cannot be replaced. Boyfriends, girlfriends, therapists, bartenders — if you don’t like what they have to say about your lifestyle choices they can all be dropped.

In some way or another, you are technically paying these people to tell you what you want to hear. For them, being dishonest pays off in the form of health insurance co-pays, tips and in the case of significant others, little blue boxes from Tiffanys.

It is part of their job description to reassure you that those jeans don’t make your rear look like Khloe Kardashian, but more like her better looking sister Kim. And that drinking the well vodka in your cucumber cosmo does not make you cheap. It all tastes the same when you are on your fourth anyway.

Your best friend would tell you, subtly of course, that you need to get some class and lose that (rhymes with glass). But that is why you are BFFs, for that brutal honesty money can’t buy. You can always count on your bestie to let you in on their little secrets like stretch-denim and New Hampshire liquor stores. Thanks to their inside information you will look 10 pounds lighter, but your wallet will feel 10 times heavier.

Through thick and thin — literally, your best friend is always there. The only thing more traumatic than replacing a BFF is getting a new hair stylist. Letting anyone you don’t know that close to a main artery, let alone your layered bob with super sharp scissors, can be hair-raising.

Breaking up with either your best bud or hairstylist could lead to social suicide. With all the dirty laundry your best friend has on you, not to mention the dishes that sat in your sink long enough for Pamela Anderson to dump Tommy Lee, for the sixth time, and get back together again (Hey, it’s for the kids, people!), you better think twice before kicking your BFF to the curb. Just look at Heidi and Lauren of The Hills.

Once those two became frienemies, it was revealed that LC was a little more Paris Hilton than Marcia Brady — if you get what I mean. Heidi became public enemy No. 1 when she outted that poor little rich girl for having a little more than just loose morals.

Lauren should have remembered the golden rule: Keep your friends close, but keep your frienemies closer.

Have a topic or issue for Lowellita to tackle? E-mail your suggestions to lowellita@lowellsun.com.