Ah, Winterfest. The city of Lowell’s knock-off of Germany’s Oktoberfest.

Hold the phone Mr. City Manager. I am not one to bash anything that has to do with consuming mass amounts of beer in public. We all need a little happiness here in New England after the incident that happened this past Sunday. I won’t mention any names ... Tom, Randy and Tedy. It’s going to take more than a six-pack to cure this girl’s depression.

Winterfest could just be the remedy that I am looking for. What better way to spend a weekend than watching semi-plastered people pull a human dog sled?

You want a pot hole filled on Chelmsford Street, the Rourke Bridge replaced, the homeless people left alone or your tax rate to go down? Then act like a paparazzi when and if Britney Spears takes a ride in a hearse.

Cannon PowerShot G9 Digital Camera: $499.
Coach leather camera case: $135.
Four draft beers plus tip at Club Celsius: $30
One hour photo prints: $12.
Getting snapshots of city councilors flashing onlookers: Priceless.
There are some things money and living in Belvidere can’t buy. For everyone else, including the homeless, there’s Tewksbury.

I am sure everyone expected that I kept with tradition and told that blasé bear, Lowla, to hightail it back to the cave from whence she came. Everyone loves a good cat fight. For this year’s frozen festivities I am putting the claws away.

I’m not sure if it has something to do with this Hillary Clinton resurgence in women working together, but I have to say the polar princess is growing on me. As a big fan of scarves, sunglasses and not shaving my legs during the winter, I think the furry female and I could share a bear hug someday soon.

It is really not Lowellita-like to be cruel to animals and I may need Lowla to have my back when the suits at City Hall lay their eyes on this.

Hey, it’s not my fault I can’t write a winning column praising the Mill City every time. Can’t we just blame it all on Gisele?

Send your bribe-worthy photos to lowellita@lowellsun.com.