There are two kinds of single people — those who are alone by choice and those who have no choice. There are lots of subdivisions within these categories, but to know where you might fall, look at your grocery receipt. If your once-a-week run includes mints and condoms then you have a choice. If neither item has been on your bill for the past few months, you’re part of the latter.

Those who do not have an option are usually inept at some of the myriad skills it takes in attracting a significant other. Some of those include, but are not limited to: looks, humor, athletic ability and money. The rule of thumb is, what one lacks in looks can be made up with their net worth and if they can’t tell a joke, at least they’re not funny to look at. Hopefully your parents blessed you with at least one desirable trait.

This does seem a tad shallow and may hurt some of my readers’ feelings. I may be playing into certain stereotypes, but trust me, this is not an entire column about why some single people are worse off than Britney Spears. It’s actually quite the opposite. It is a column about the other kind of single person, who is much worse than Unfitney Spears.

I am talking about the ones that are SINGLE. That is not a typo. Their biggest accomplishment in life is not a law degree, promotion or purchasing their first condo, it’s their relationship status. The most obnoxious part about SINGLE people is that they have to continually remind everyone around them they are SINGLE.

Their success is measured by the number of bartenders, gym rats or hairdressers in the area they have notched on their belt. Even better, if they were seeing more than one at the same time. Remember they’re SINGLE, that means that they can do anything they want, if you didn’t already know that by now.

SINGLES would never attend a singles dance and only have a Match.com profile because they want to keep tabs on their exes. You have explained to them those events and Web sites are littered with people who are, well, single — just like them. SINGLES have an in-depth explanation about why they are SINGLE not single.

SINGLES make people that are in successful long-term relationships feel like President Bush at an elementary school knowledge-bowl — stupid and ashamed to be involved. The longer you have been seeing the same person the more apologies SINGLES throw at you, like if your dog just died. To them, three years of monogamy is cruel and unusual punishment. They look at you like you are one of those “adopt this child for a $1 a day” ads on early morning television. They want to help and two seconds later begin to think about their next date with Mr. or Miss X.

The rest of us get it. You’re SINGLE because you want to be. It has nothing to do with your ego or commitment issues.

Please refrain from sending lowellita@lowellsun.com e-mails about why SINGLE is the new black.