I am the jealous type. It is not one of my best traits, and I am not proud to admit that everyday I want something that someone else possesses.

It could be as extreme as Kate Hudson’s effortless fashion sense or as simple as the kelly green felt tip pen my cubicle mate uses to make notes with. Now that I mention it, I am seeing green over their penmanship, too. I have never been able to write a lowercase “R” in cursive, and my uppercase “G” looks like some kind of Egyptian hieroglyphic.

I have had to refrain from using the word “grrr” in any one of my love letters because of this cursive cripple. Not that there has ever been a time where a sentence called for this cat cry. If I did meet someone who did turn me into an animal, it would help if my penmanship didn’t look like a Sanskrit swear.

I can’t help but be envious of the crude chef turned TV star, Anthony Bourdain. Not because he gets to travel to exotic places and consume outrageous cuisine. I am jealous that this man nibbles on raw seal eyeballs, countless beetles and sheep testicles, but will not eat at McDonald’s. If I only knew how to gag at the sight of a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, ditto a Big Mac — what a thing of beauty.

I am never satisfied with what I have. There is always someone that has it better. For example, the people who write those quirky blurbs on Vitamin Water labels for a living. Even better, the ones who come up with fortunes.

Arguably the best part of eating Chinese food, besides the mai tais, are the fortune cookies. Just thinking about the faces of people who crack open their cookies to read, “If you place a nut in front of a squirrel, you will get bit” would be the most satisfying aspect of the job. And I did not make this rodent proverb up. That is a real fortune along with one that revealed: “The secret to staying healthy is to eat more Chinese food.” Now I am sure that the pork fried rice and egg foo young is not helping lower anyone’s cholesterol.

I am realizing that in order to obtain these things that I so desire, it may not be so hard at all. All I have to do is shop at the thrift store, make sure my significant other has a valid e-mail address, convince myself the Golden Arches are the devil and write it on a fortune.

I already stole my co-worker’s pen, so I have a jump start.

If you’re the jealous type, e-mail lowellita@lowellsun.com. If you want your pen back, don’t bother.