This picture pretty much sums up 2007. Miss Paris Hitlon partied with the year's most famous baby-daddy, Larry Brikhead, at LAX in Las Vegas this past Monday night.

Any thoughts on what their resolutions might have been...

We are only two days into 2008 and Britney Spears is already back in the headlines. Did she ever leave?

The Britster's lawyers, Trope and Trope, have quit and issued the following statement: "there has been a breakdown in communications between [Britney] and Trope and Trope making further representation of her interests impossible."

Hmmmm.... Could it be her early morning hotel visits from parparazzo? Or maybe it was that she called in sick to her custody hearing then was seen out clubbing later that evening? Whatever it is, I predict Brit loses custody in 2008.

Come on Brit pull yourself together already!

Another year gone, another year older, but I have realized I am not another year wiser. I had this epiphany the other night when I was struggling to fall asleep. It was close to midnight and Jay Leno was a rerun again. My options to carry myself to slumber were counting sheep, chasing NyQuil liquid gels with a glass of pinot noir left over from Christmas dinner or delving into one of the stacks of magazines, tabloid rags and newspaper entertainment sections that had accumulated on my night stand. Surprisingly I choose to read, but only after the first two tactics failed.

With the hectic holidays now a fond memory like a pre-K-Fed Britney Spears, I was now able to catch up on some of my normal nightly reading. Every piece I laid my eyes on was yet another inane list of bests and worsts, ins and outs, goods and bads. No magazine had an independent take on the year that was.

We get it. Those of us who didn’t see "No Country For Old Men" yet are committing a mortal sin. Or the masses who did not take advantage of Radiohead’s pay-what-you-will marketing tool for their latest masterpiece, "In Rainbows" should just stop listening to music altogether as a way to repent. And what do you mean you never thought of DVRing (a new word they will be adding to Webster’s by the end of 2008) "30 Rock"? Even after seeing Tina Fey in those witty American Express ads. The audacity!

These regurgitated rosters were torn directly from the pages of my pop culture bible Entertainment Weekly. And like the Bible it was filled with the obvious. We are aware that "Juno" is going to be 2008’s "Little Miss Sunshine", that Perez Hilton will replace Oprah someday, Emile Hirsch is the next Johnny Depp and Britney Spears ... well, you know.

The staff-penned columns reflecting on the past 365 days were a fresh feature in the last edition of 2007. Each one started with “This was the year ...” and went to ramble on about geeks reigning supreme, DVR taking the pleasure out of television, the pitfalls of being famous and renewing their passion for Journey after that "Sopranos" series finale. Yes that was one.

It got me thinking while lying in my bed what last year meant to me. It could have been my NyQuil-induced stupor, but all I could come up with was that this was the year of my realization that pop culture has the same effects as marijuana. The more you inhale it, the more brain cells you lose. And if you are mixing the two, well there may be no hope left for you.

I recalled a conversation I had during dinner a few weeks before with a few regular patrons and friends at a local restaurant. We were talking about some of our favorite musicians and I said that I wore out Amy Winehouse’s "Back to Black" album this past summer. One of the gentlemen asked who she was because he had never heard of her. I gasped, he had to be kidding — she is on Perez Hilton almost everyday! He did not know who that was either. I truly thought he was joking but he was clearly not. He was not embarrassed for not knowing who they were, but I felt a tad sheepish that I did.

I know Winehouse never leaves home without her gold ballerina flats that have blood stains. I know her husband Blake, even though he has not done anything in his life but been photographed with gashes on his face allegedly from her, is now in jail. I know her mother wrote her a plea to get clean. I know that her father asked fans to boycott her CD to limit her royalties and cut into her drug habit. I know that she has canceled appearance after appearance because she can not go on while her husband is behind bars. I know she threw a fit at 4 a.m. while walking the streets of London barefoot and shirtless.

To sum it up, I know a lot about nothing. I hope this year that I will know just a little bit less.

E-mail lowellita@lowellsun.com and for more celeb news and local gossip log onto www.thesunblog.com/frosting.

Rumors are swirling that Britney Spears skipped her deposition in her custody hearing yesterday. TMZ is reporting that this may be the fifth time she has been a no-show. last time she called in sick to court.

Yesterday her law firm dropped her as a client and this just may be the reason she was not there. She did however check herself into another hotel room at 2 a.m. with her new paparazzo pal.

I foresee explicit pictures hitting the Web in the near future.

**********UPDATE***********
Seems that Britney has showed up to K-Fed's lawyer's office this morning in L.A. to have her deposition taken and her lawyers who quit on her yesterday are with her too. More details as things develop.

Maybe her new year's resolution was to go on the straight and narrow!

Someday we believe Bono will save the world.

The global warrior and lead singer of rock legends, U2, has desinged a T-shirt with his wife, Ali Hewson, as part of the Hard Rock Cafe's Signature Series. The T-shirt benefits African cotton farmers as part of the Wildlife Conservation Society’s Conservation Cotton Initiative. This institution helps lift African farmers out of poverty by providing education on proper land management, organic cotton growing techniques and wildlife conservation.

The shirts are printed on an edun Live T Shirt made from 100% African cotton and features an image by Bono – a fish soaring through the moon and stars, with the words “fish can fly . . .”, and Bono’s signature. The men's version is shown above and the women's is white with blue detailing.

Each shirt is only $26 and can be purchased here at www.hardrockcom.

The Frosting endorses Bono for President in 2008!

Last night police were called to Britney Spears' Beverly Hills home after she refused to turn her two sons back to Kevin Federline. She was then rushed to the Cedars-Sinai Medical Center emergency room in L.A. Paramedics strapped Brit to a stretcher and she was wheeled out laughing at times.

The Associated Press is reporting that police were called about 8 p.m. to respond to a custody dispute between Spears and Federline. After about three hours, six more police cars, two ambulances and a fire truck entered the gated community and proceeded to Brit's home.Spears turned her two-year-old son, Sean Preston and one-year-old son, Jayden James over at about 10:50 p.m.

When arriving at the hospital she flipped off waiting parparazzi when she was pulled from the ambulance.

Reports are saying that Brit's father, Jamie, ex-husband, Federline and her man-friend, Sam Lufti, were all at the hospital shortly after her arrival. She was said to be under the influence of an unknown substance and was held for a mental evaluation.

Federline's lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan is set to be in court for an emergency hearing this morning in order to strip Brit off her visitation rights.

We support Britney here like anyone dealing with substance abuse, but can't help to wonder if she will see 2009! In her defense it was "thirsty Thursday"!

A Frosting reader caught Britney Spears a few months back when she was visiting her family in Louisana.

Are we sick of Britney yet?

Even if the answer is yes, you are about to overdose on information as we are here to give you the latest on the Brit front. Here are the major developments from this past weekend:

~Spears tested negative for drugs and alcohol. Many suspect she is bipolar.
~She was released from Cedars-Sinai Medical Center on Saturday morning. Her father, Jamie, is said to be very distraught over this.
~Before checking out of the hospital, Spears was reportedly "blind-sided" by a visit from TV's Dr. Phil and walked out of the room when he entered. Dr. Phil says Spears' family requested he conduct an intervention. Dr. Phil told "The Early Show" today that, "I want to set the record straight. I went to see Britney at the request of her family. I talked to Lynne, Jamie, and Brian, because they were frustrated that she wasn't going to be held for a longer time...Thursday night, the phone rang, it was Lynne, clearly she was very upset. Any parent would be. I was first contacted by her family a year ago, and had maintained a running dialogue for the last year or so."
~Dr. Phil asked Brit to appear for a taping of his show today since Wednesday the show is being dedicated to her and her troubles. No word yet if she has agreed.
~Brit was seen drinking mimosas and having brunch with her paparazzi pal yesterday. This is not confirmed, but she did try to leave her home 3 hours after her release then after seeing the paps outside turned around.

O.K. take a breath, and remember it is only Monday.

*Pic from www.thegalleryoftheabsurd.com.*

After "ambushing" the Britster in the hospital on Saturday, Dr. Phil has canceled his upcoming show on Spears and her troubles. He just released this statement:

"As was widely reported this weekend, at the request of concerned family members, I visited Britney Spears in the hospital. The details of that visit will, of course, remain private. We had planned to tape a 'Dr. Phil Now' show tomorrow, focusing not on the tabloid side of Britney’s latest problems, but instead on the very serious issues surrounding this case. Clearly, it is not just Britney's family struggling to find a way to protect adult children who cannot be ordered or compelled to seek help. Because the Spears situation is too intense at this time, and out of consideration to the family, I have made the decision not to move forward with the taping at this particular time. Britney and her family are in our prayers and we ask that they be in yours."

Spears' parents were set to appear on the show but this morning her father, Jamie, pulled out. We here think that Phil was exploiting the fallen pop star to improve his ratings. (Isn't that stating the obvious?!?)

What do you think?

Actress Nicole Kidman announced yesterday that she is expecting her first child with country star, Keith Urban. This is Kidman's first biological child, she has two adopted children with ex-husband, Tom Cruise.

Congrats!

Britney Spears was served an emergency restraining order to stay at least 100 feet away from ex-hubby Kevin Federline. This was only to "stabilize the situation" TMZ is reporting this morning.

K-Fed has had full custody of their two sons since Brit's hospitalization last week.

In other Brit news, the Spears family is outraged at Dr. Phil. The family's rep, Lou Taylor,spoke with Meredith Vieira on the "Today" show this morning. Taylor stated that Dr. Phil brought up the subject of doing a show about Britney, but that they wanted no part of it.

Taylor went on saying it was even "inappropriate" on Phil's part and that the family felt "betrayed" that Phil would issue any kind of statement after meeting with Brit.

The Sun had its 15 minutes of fame this past Monday when it appeared on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno". With the writer’s strike still in effect, Andover native Jay Leno had to rely on his hometown newspaper for fodder.

An obituary that was printed in the paper this past October was part of Leno's headlines section.

For the full story make sure to grab a copy of tomorrow's The Sun at your local mart or visit www.lowellsun.com.

Japanese makeup artist and celeb fav, Shu Uemura, died at 79 of pneumonia in Tokyo. He is survived by a wife and son.

A couple of months ago, Rusty G's Place, turned its lights off permantly. Nothing has been done with the outside of the place since. Now, another Lowel watering hole looks like it has poured its last pilsner.

Gus & Pauls has been closed now for a few weeks. The Chelmsford Street instituiton got a makeover within the past couple of years but it now seems that it didn't attract too many new patrons.

Anyone out there have some inside information on G&P's?

Three years. If you break it down that is 156 weeks. That number still does not seem that long to make the point I want to make. Further division makes it equal to 1,095 days, 26,280 hours, 1,576,800 minutes and 94,608,000 seconds. Now we’re getting somewhere. Pretty good for someone who struggled passing “math for the liberal art student.”

Just about 100 million seconds ago the stars were aligned to create a force of nature that Greater Lowell has since had to stomach. Sometimes it has caused much indigestion. For myself — many hangovers. Three long, long, long, years ago (did I stress long?) I became my alter-ego, Lowellita.

I suppose it was destiny. I recently flipped through the pages of my eighth-grade yearbook. There I was — bad hair, braces and no makeup. And I thought I looked like Winona Ryder! Must have needed those glasses sooner than senior year of high school.

Next to the picture, I answered a series of questions, one of them: “What I will be in the future.” Even then I laced almost everything with wit and sarcasm. But this was a Catholic school and there was no chance of getting away with a response like, “Dancer with a concentration on the pole,” or, “A writer who exploits the sins of others each week in a column as an act of attrition.” And don’t forget the kicker: “Whose name is a pun on a promiscuous preteen pedophile’s dream.”

My actual answer was, “The next Ricki Lake.”

No joke. At that moment in my life, I was serious. I haven’t exactly followed in the footsteps of the former trashtastic talk show host and that might just be a good thing, since Lake has not even made the celebrity D-list in the past decade.

For the past, almost two million minutes, I have been involved in an internal battle with my public and private personas. Sometimes I win, sometimes Lowellita is victorious. It sounds odd because they are both (essentially) me.

Instead of Lake, could I be the next Britney Spears, strapped to a gurney and rolled off into the sunset? I am sure there are many out there who wish this was my fate. They are the same ones who are grasping a bottle of Tums while sitting down to read this column each week.

Is it Lowellita or me that they want locked away from their children in a padded cell?
I wonder if in 15 years from now, I will peruse my columns and think the same thing about my eighth-grade yearbook — what was I thinking then and where has Britney been?

Should Lowellita post her eighth-grade photo on her blog? E-mail lowellita@lowellsun.com.

With the writers’ strike still in effect, Andover native Jay Leno turned close to home for fodder one night this week.

On Monday night’s Tonight Show with Jay Leno, the host whipped out an obituary that appeared in The Sun during a weekly segment called “Headlines.” The segment consists of viewer-submitted newspaper clippings, advertisements, packaging and oddities that end up in print. Leno then takes some of the most comical, holds them up for the audience, and puts his own humorous and often sarcastic spin on them.

After a few engagement announcements with suggestive surname pairings and an ad for a goat for sale as a companion or for meat, Leno softened his voice and proceeded with the next clipping.

Saving the best for last, the late-night talk show host took out the Sun obituary of Lowell resident Athanasia “Ethel” Eliopoulous, who died Oct. 5, 2007. The obituary was the standard short biography outlining her education, employment, leisure activities and survivors.
The kicker, Leno explained was the last line, where this 94-year-old world traveler made her final joke. It read: “With her passing, Eliopoulous’ final wish was ultimately granted when she did not have to see Hillary Clinton become president.”

There were a few sneers from the audience, but afterwards the crowd erupted into laughter and applause. Leno chuckled as well and slammed his fist down onto his desk in reaction.
Eliopoulous’ sister-in-law, Ann Holis, was told this week about Leno’s on-air reading of the obituary.

“She was something else,” Hollis said of Eliopoulous. “She always made everyone laugh. She had a lot of friends who loved being in her company.”
Hollis thinks her deceased sister-in-law would have been “thrilled to pieces” to know she made national television. As far as another Clinton making it back into the Oval Office, she believes Eliopoulous would be incensed.

“If she does, Ethel will turn over in her grave five times,” Hollis said.

Gives a whole new meaning to getting the last word.
But it wasn’t the first time The Sun made Leno’s “Headlines.”

Nearly two decades ago, Leno’s segment featured a story about local officials being unable to pinpoint the source of a foul odor in a neighborhood next to a waste-treatment plant.

“Noxious odors a mystery at waste plant,” that headline read.

To watch Leno's headlines Click HERE!

What happens when two homemade sex tape stars get together? They make a baby.

The Internet is swirling with the news that Pam Anderson is pregnant with her husband or soon-to-be ex-husband, Rick Salomon's baby.

The Baywatch babe filed for divorce a couple of weeks ago, then made a blog entry that she and Salomon were working things out. She has appeared without him at many events lately and people are speculating they are not together.

"Teen Vogue" went all like Donald Trump on Lauren Conrad and Whitney Port of MTV's "The Hills" WHATEVER!

The fashion magazine for up and coming divas has severed ties with the two girls and the show. Conrad and Port have both worked for the magazine as part of their "characters" on the sort-of reality show. Some are speculating that the mag is not happy with their behaviors outside the office.

Where will the ladies work next?

Ask.com sent a press release out with the top five "under wraps" health searches on 2007. For your pleasure, here you go:

1.Early symptoms of pregnancy
2. How long marijuana stays in your system
3. Herpes
4. Depression
5. Viagra

Hey, whatever it's Friday and there is a lot of slacking off going on at the offices. I thought someone out there in cubicle country would want to chuckle as they wait for the clock to strike 5 p.m.!

Nicole Richie gave birth yesterday to a daughter. She and the father, Joel Madden, named their bundle of joy Harlow Winter Kate Madden.

Congrats!

p.s. Rumor has it that Christina Aguilera has been in labor since yesterday

Did anyone watch the horror show that was the 65th annual Golden Globes last night? If you didn't think the writers actually effected Hollywood, you will now. After a set of pretty good interviews with nominees, the hosts just read off the list of winners.

No politcally charged speeches, no red carpet, no fashion faux pas and no Hollywood glam.

Here is the list of winners that were announced by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association in Beverly Hills, Calif.:

• Picture, Drama: Atonement.
• Actress, Drama: Julie Christie, Away From Her.
• Actor, Drama: Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood.
• Picture, Musical or Comedy: Sweeney Todd.
• Actress, Musical or Comedy: Marion Cotillard, La Vie En Rose.
• Actor, Musical or Comedy: Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd.
• Supporting Actress: Cate Blanchett, I’m Not There.
• Supporting Actor: Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men.
• Director: Julian Schnabel, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.
• Screenplay: Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, No Country for Old Men.
• Foreign Language: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, France and U.S.
• Animated Film: Ratatouille.
• Original Score: Dario Marianelli, Atonement.
• Original Song: “Guaranteed” from Into the Wild.

TELEVISION:
• Series, Drama: Mad Men, AMC.
• Actress, Drama: Glenn Close, Damages.
• Actor, Drama: Jon Hamm, Mad Men.
• Series, Musical or Comedy: Extras, HBO.
• Actress, Musical or Comedy: Tina Fey, 30 Rock
• Actor, Musical or Comedy: David Duchovny, Californication.
• Miniseries or Movie: Longford, HBO.
• Actress, Miniseries or Movie: Queen Latifah, Life Support.
• Actor, Miniseries or Movie: Jim Broadbent, Longford.
• Supporting Actress, Series, Miniseries or Movie: Samantha Morton, Longford.
• Supporting Actor, Series, Miniseries or Movie: Jeremy Piven, Entourage.

Britney Spears is scheduled to appear this morning in a Los Angeles courtroom to fight for the right to see her children.

If and when she shows up, we will give you the up-to-the-minute results of the spectacle that has taken over Celebridom.

A 22-year-old Playboy Playmate says that funny man, David Spade, is her baby's daddy. Jillian Grace, who was discovered on the Howard Stern Show, claims that Spade knocked her up. Spade acknowledges that he had a relationship with her and says if he is the father he will step up to the plate.

Also, Matthew McConaughey announced on his website that his girlfriend, Camilla Alves, is preggars. He wrote, "My girlfriend Camila and I made a baby together ... it's 3 months growin in her womb and all looks healthy and lively so far. We are stoked and wowed by this miracle."

Spoken like a true southern bongo playing gentleman.

And we all thought it would be Britney...

Actor, Brad Renfro, was found dead yesterday at his home in Los Angeles. The 25-year-old actor had struggled with drugs and was arrested in the past for several drug offenses.

Renfro just wrapped filming a movie with Winona Ryder and Billy Bob Thornton called "The Informers".

Your hairstyle says it all when it comes to impressing others about how smart you might be.
The “do,” in other words, reveals the IQ.

That’s the mane-breaking conclusion of "First Impressions and Hair Impressions", a Yale University study conducted by psychology professor Marianne LaFrance.

The Ivy League prof writes that when people begin forming a first impression about the type of person you are, it’s not your face that gives you away, it’s your hairstyle.

Jessica Simpson’s cascading blond locks may get you a hot date, but it won’t win you that Fortune 500 company job. The money’s on the bob-baring brunette to catch the boss’ eye at that interview.

According to LaFrance, a hairdo is all about perception and it has the power to say two things: high IQ or bimbo.

Tousled, short-haired women à la Katie Holmes or Halle Berry are viewed as more intelligent than Lindsay Lohan copycats, according to LaFrance’s study.

Also, women with long, straight, brunette or blond hairstyles, like Catherine Zeta-Jones, are perceived as the sexiest and most affluent, writes LaFrance.

“What people should think about is what kind of impression they want to make and is my hairstyle helping or hindering that operation,” says Jodi R. R. Smith, an etiquette consultant and founder of Mannersmith in Salem. “If you’re a laid-back, easygoing kind of gal, a wild hairdo is great. Use your hair appropriately.”

Men also have to pay attention the next time they head to the barbershop. Those who emulate stars like Matt Damon and Brad Pitt are seen as the most confident and sexy. The short, well-kept cut, with a front flip, landed both of these actors the moniker of People’s “Sexiest Man Alive.”

Men who opt for a traditional cut over a buzz cut are viewed as the most intelligent and affluent. The medium-length, side-parted do is a favorite of presidential candidates Mitt Romney and John Edwards.

For those who believed Fabio’s lion’s mane would court a flock of ladies — think again. Long, flowing locks on men were said to make others think they are no brains and all brawn.

There are two kinds of single people — those who are alone by choice and those who have no choice. There are lots of subdivisions within these categories, but to know where you might fall, look at your grocery receipt. If your once-a-week run includes mints and condoms then you have a choice. If neither item has been on your bill for the past few months, you’re part of the latter.

Those who do not have an option are usually inept at some of the myriad skills it takes in attracting a significant other. Some of those include, but are not limited to: looks, humor, athletic ability and money. The rule of thumb is, what one lacks in looks can be made up with their net worth and if they can’t tell a joke, at least they’re not funny to look at. Hopefully your parents blessed you with at least one desirable trait.

This does seem a tad shallow and may hurt some of my readers’ feelings. I may be playing into certain stereotypes, but trust me, this is not an entire column about why some single people are worse off than Britney Spears. It’s actually quite the opposite. It is a column about the other kind of single person, who is much worse than Unfitney Spears.

I am talking about the ones that are SINGLE. That is not a typo. Their biggest accomplishment in life is not a law degree, promotion or purchasing their first condo, it’s their relationship status. The most obnoxious part about SINGLE people is that they have to continually remind everyone around them they are SINGLE.

Their success is measured by the number of bartenders, gym rats or hairdressers in the area they have notched on their belt. Even better, if they were seeing more than one at the same time. Remember they’re SINGLE, that means that they can do anything they want, if you didn’t already know that by now.

SINGLES would never attend a singles dance and only have a Match.com profile because they want to keep tabs on their exes. You have explained to them those events and Web sites are littered with people who are, well, single — just like them. SINGLES have an in-depth explanation about why they are SINGLE not single.

SINGLES make people that are in successful long-term relationships feel like President Bush at an elementary school knowledge-bowl — stupid and ashamed to be involved. The longer you have been seeing the same person the more apologies SINGLES throw at you, like if your dog just died. To them, three years of monogamy is cruel and unusual punishment. They look at you like you are one of those “adopt this child for a $1 a day” ads on early morning television. They want to help and two seconds later begin to think about their next date with Mr. or Miss X.

The rest of us get it. You’re SINGLE because you want to be. It has nothing to do with your ego or commitment issues.

Please refrain from sending lowellita@lowellsun.com e-mails about why SINGLE is the new black.

What is going on?

Pam Anderson's life has become more interesting than Britney Spears. Who would have thought that!?!? She has re-filed for divorce to short term hubby, Rick Salomon, for the second time or maybe the third.

TMZ is also reporting that she is not pregnant...anymore. Her former second husband Kid Rock accused Pam of faking a pregnancy and a miscarriage when their marriage was falling apart. Anderson denied that.

In not so breaking news..."The Sun" in London has printed pictures of singer, Amy Winehouse, smoking crack. No, really — like we didn't already know that.

The rag obtained pics of the song bird lighting up at a "drug-fueled" party at her home last Friday.They also say that Wino "snorted powdered ectasy and cocaine" then took six valium to come down.

Winehouse's rep has not made a statement yet, but rapper Bobby Brown said, "that's it. That's child's play." Kidding.

Like Amy says in her own words, "I told you, I was trouble. You know that I'm no good."

Actor Heath Ledger was found dead in his downtown Manhattan residence this afternoon in what authorities say is a possible drug-related death. He was 28.

NYPD spokesman Paul Browne told The Associated Press that Ledger had an appointment for a massage at the NYC apartment that is believed to be his home. The housekeeper who went to let Ledger know the masseuse was there, and found him dead at 3:26 p.m, Browne said.

TMZ is reporting that Ledger was found in cardiac arrest when EMTs arrived. They performed CPR before pronouncing him dead. The apartment does not belong to Mary Kate Olsen as reports have stated.

The Australian-born actor was nominated for an Oscar for “Brokeback Mountain.” He has a daughter Matilda, with his ex-fiancee actress Michelle Williams of Dawson's Creek fame. He was to appear as the Joker this year in “The Dark Night,” a sequel to 2005’s “Batman Begins.”

At Britney Spears custody hearing this morning the judge ruled that her ex husband Kevin Federline would still have sole custody of their two sons. The court also ruled that Brit would not have any visitation rights.

Spears arrived, went through the metal detectors then changed her mind and left the building.

In other Spears news, Brit's paparazzi pal, Adnan Ghalib, says that he is in love with Brit and wants to marry her. He also told "Entertainment Tonight" that the pregnancy tests she was photographed buying last week was for her and that she wants to have his baby. Ghalib's wife just filed for divorce yesterday.

Excuses are like martinis. There are lots of them — maybe too many. Some are good, some are bad, some are sweet, some are sour and there is always one for every occasion. But you never need an excuse to sip a martini.

A 25-year-old woman came up with an excuse that is worse than ordering a cocktail at a place that has Rubinoff on its top shelf. She dropped out of school, quit her job as a bank customer service rep and was no longer able to attend church because of (drum roll please ... ) Sean Paul. Yes, the rapping reggae artist who butchers the English language worse than President Bush, “We Be Burnin” anyone?

Whenever she was at the club and his dance hit “Temperature” came over the speakers, it would trigger a seizure. Funny, it’s only Sean Paul’s songs.

So why did this woman have to quit school and her job? Was she taking a class on the social impact of reggaeton in post-modern America? And even after spending 45 minutes waiting in a bank line every Friday afternoon, I have never once heard the soft Muzak bust into the beat of “Dutty Rock”.

This woman also had to give up her spot in the church choir due to Sean Paul. What church is that? I would love to ask Jesus to “jus gimme the light and pass the dro. Bust another bokkle of moe.”

I think this woman’s problem is that she was listening to Sean Paul in the first place or maybe she had one too many tinis in her day. That is not a jab, it could be true. Using the most important tool I learned for the $50,000 I spent on college, I Googled seizure triggers. In .0179 seconds I discovered that binge drinking can cause seizures. It can also result in a post last call McDonald’s feast that would put David Hasselhoff to shame and feelings of terrible regret when someone named “Hottie-Boom-Buddy” calls your cell the following afternoon. I think I would rather have the seizure.

I am not insensitive to people with an illness. I understand the plight of those who suffer from musicogenic epilepsy, yes that is the diagnosis. Music is dangerous — it can cause all kinds of maladies. Anytime I hear Akon’s “Don’t Matter,” I writhe in pain on the floor wishing someone would put me out of my misery. The last time I heard someone sing Rihanna’s “Umbrella” at karaoke, I asked them how people treat people with Tourette’s. I almost ended up in the emergency room that night. I blame Flo Rida and T-Pain for my migraine since I can’t get “She had them Apple Bottom jeans. Boots with the fur,” out of my head.

What is my cure? A dirty martini, no vermouth, splash of olive juice and extra olives. No doctors involved.

Send everything but excuses to lowellita@lowellsun.com.

If you’re shopping at The Burlington Mall this spring, you could score more than a pair of designer denim at a discount. You may just be an extra in a major motion picture.

Columbia Pictures is set to start production of the film, “Mall Cop” starring comedian Kevin James. The flick is set in a fictitious mall during the holiday season and is a Happy Madison Production — actor Adam Sandler’s company. James has appeared with Sandler previously in “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.”

Filming is schedule to start in mid-March and continue through early May. Most of the movie will be shot after hours, with only select scenes filmed during regular mall hours. The Burlington Mall will also be decorated in a holiday theme complete with a Santa set since the movie takes place in December.

Simon Property Group, which owns the Burlington Mall, notified employees of their retailers in a memo on Wednesday. Location manager Charlie Harrington was set to visit the mall’s stores to share more details on the film.

Harrington could not comment on the film.

She said no, no, no but it is yes, yes, yes to rehab. Amy Winehouse checked herself into rehab today. He record label released a statement that said:

"Amy decided to enter the facility today after talks with her record label, management, family and doctors," Universal Music Group said. "She has come to understand that she requires specialist treatment to continue her ongoing recovery from drug addiction."

There have been many rumors about the relationship between Mary-Kate Olsen and the now deceased Heath Ledger. Ledger was said to be dating model Helena Christensen, who was allegedly enroute to see him when he was found unresponsive.

The masseuse who found Ledger's body actually made four calls to Mary-Kate when she discovered that he wasn't breathing. The AP reports that Diana Wolozin spent nine minutes ringing the Olsen twin before she called 911. Mary-Kate's body guards showed up at the same time as the police.

Mary-Kate issued a statement today saying, "Heath was a friend. His death is a tragic loss. My thoughts are with his family during this very difficult time."

POP QUIZ

Who does Britney Spears' main confident and right hand man, Sam Lutfi, reassure that her problems are treatable and she is doing well?

a. Her estranged mother, Lynne Spears
b. Her concerned father, Jamie Spears
c. The father of her two sons — K-Fed.
d. none of the above

If you picked "d" you read way too much of this blog. Lutfi didn't call anyone who would truly care about Brit's health. Nope. He called Barbara Walters. He said that Spears has visited a psychiatrist and is in touch with her mother -- who arrived in Los Angeles last night.

Singer and Cali girl, Gwen Stefani, is expecting her second child with husband Gavin Rossdale. The couple already have a son, Kingston James.

This may put off the reunion scheduled with No Doubt for later this year.

We're hoping it's just a girl!

Congrats!

"Entertainment Tonight" and "The Insider" are planning to air a video of Heath Ledger in a drug filled party that was shot in 2006 at the Chateau Marmont hotel in Los Angeles.

We're sure it's no worse than the Amy Winehouse pics.

****Update******
If anyone watched ET last night, there was no video. The TV tabloid issued the following statement:
"Out of respect for Heath Ledger's family, "Entertainment Tonight" and "The Insider" have decided not to run the Heath Ledger video which has been circulating in the world media," they said in a statement."

We here at the Frosting love us some eye candy. If we can't have Tom Brady, we'll take Jared from Lowell.

There is one more day to vote. Click the link below to vote for a hometown hottie.

Britney Spears was taken to the hospital early this morning in Los Angeles. It is said that Spears is on a "5150," meaning a three-day psychiatric hold at the UCLA Medical Center.

Many media outlets are reporting that Brit's psychiatrist went to her home. The shrink believed she was a danger to herself and others. Also reported was that she went without a fight.

*As more details come in we'll have an update*

I am the jealous type. It is not one of my best traits, and I am not proud to admit that everyday I want something that someone else possesses.

It could be as extreme as Kate Hudson’s effortless fashion sense or as simple as the kelly green felt tip pen my cubicle mate uses to make notes with. Now that I mention it, I am seeing green over their penmanship, too. I have never been able to write a lowercase “R” in cursive, and my uppercase “G” looks like some kind of Egyptian hieroglyphic.

I have had to refrain from using the word “grrr” in any one of my love letters because of this cursive cripple. Not that there has ever been a time where a sentence called for this cat cry. If I did meet someone who did turn me into an animal, it would help if my penmanship didn’t look like a Sanskrit swear.

I can’t help but be envious of the crude chef turned TV star, Anthony Bourdain. Not because he gets to travel to exotic places and consume outrageous cuisine. I am jealous that this man nibbles on raw seal eyeballs, countless beetles and sheep testicles, but will not eat at McDonald’s. If I only knew how to gag at the sight of a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, ditto a Big Mac — what a thing of beauty.

I am never satisfied with what I have. There is always someone that has it better. For example, the people who write those quirky blurbs on Vitamin Water labels for a living. Even better, the ones who come up with fortunes.

Arguably the best part of eating Chinese food, besides the mai tais, are the fortune cookies. Just thinking about the faces of people who crack open their cookies to read, “If you place a nut in front of a squirrel, you will get bit” would be the most satisfying aspect of the job. And I did not make this rodent proverb up. That is a real fortune along with one that revealed: “The secret to staying healthy is to eat more Chinese food.” Now I am sure that the pork fried rice and egg foo young is not helping lower anyone’s cholesterol.

I am realizing that in order to obtain these things that I so desire, it may not be so hard at all. All I have to do is shop at the thrift store, make sure my significant other has a valid e-mail address, convince myself the Golden Arches are the devil and write it on a fortune.

I already stole my co-worker’s pen, so I have a jump start.

If you’re the jealous type, e-mail lowellita@lowellsun.com. If you want your pen back, don’t bother.