Ring, ring, ring. (Insert your ring tone here)

Hello?

What’cha doing?

Nothing.

That by far is the most popular answer among the names in my phone book. Besides that, I have been nauseated by their other responses.

I dialed up my buddy to whine about the lack of intelligence possessed by the local coffee-slinger. It never ceases to amaze me that a medium French vanilla with a little bit of cream and two Splendas can cause so much confusion.

We are living in a society where too much information is never too much information. Instead of bursting into a rant about my caffeine crisis, I made the mistake of first asking my friend at the opposite end of the line what she was doing. Her answer: She was at a doctor’s appointment, in the middle of a breast exam.

Hold the phone. Instantaneous loss for words. Way too much information.

This was not the first incident of indecent disclosure. I have friends who proceed to tell me they are on the toilet while talking to me about where we should go for a bite to eat. Some relatives (I’m not letting you guys off the hook either) have asked me to hold on while they gurgle in the dentist chair.

Is there such a thing as censorship or even dignity anymore?

In a world where going commando and then getting caught exiting a car is headline news, the human law of personal privacy does not apply. I mean, is it necessary to know how many ounces of fat was sucked out of a rap superstar’s mother before she died from complications of cosmetic surgery? That is just in poor taste. What is worse is that if Britney Spears orders a chalupa for lunch at Taco Bell it comes over on my Google Alert as breaking news.

Sites like, You Tube, have changed the private lives of private citizens forever. Even celebrities had a private life once. They did, I am not lying here. Ever see a choppy video of Marilyn Monroe buying celery at the grocery store? Didn’t think so. How about Britney? Exactly.

No one knew that David Hasselhoff ate like a pig at the troth when he had a few drinks. Remember that horrifying video? I don’t know what’s worse, Baywatch or the infamous binge.
I could blame our biggest scape goat, Hollywood, for my friends’ and family’s lack of discretion when answering their cells. Or maybe it’s rap music, MTV, baggy pants, Hillary Clinton or tattoos.

Or maybe it is just us.

Hold all my calls and send e-mails to lowellita@lowellsun.com.