It is time to turn the tables. Instead of myself poking and prying into the private lives of you then airing all the dirty laundry in this column of my associates, and it smells worse than Tom Brady’s socks on Sunday, it is now time for my readers to delve into the life of Lowellita. I am flattered that I get more e-mails from my Lowellita Loyalists than Britney Spears gets summoned into court. Hit me with your best shot, guys, because I have not been socially stumped yet.

Lowellita, we have our harvest dance right around the corner. I was wondering if you would like to be my date? You would have to buy the tickets though, as I recently was fired from my job delivering pizzas. — Broke Bobby from Billerica Memorial High School.

Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, no need to worry about being unemployed at such a tender young age. Look at K-Fed, he is probably 10 years your senior and lives off a woman. In his case, delivering a few pies would be a vast improvement. I am flattered that you would think of me to attend this high school harvest ho-down, but I will have to pass. You see, the whole Demi Moore-Ashton Kutcher relationship seems more outlandish than the fact that Paris Hilton gave up partying for praying.

I am so sad to hear that Britney Spears will not regain custody of her children. Do you think the judge is a Christina Aguilera fan? — Betty the Britney lover from Lowell.

Dear Betty, Please do not have any children yourself. Sincerely, Lowellita.

With the cold weather on its way, should a fabulous and fashionable female sport a fur frock this winter? — Carnivorous Cathy from Chelmsford
Well Cathy, I think you may be safe from a PETA paint attack in the ‘burbs of Massachusetts, but one never knows if they are hiding in the rose bushes of your front yard when you leave for work — wait, I mean to go on a play date with the Joneses. I do think that wearing an animal skin is a bit pretentious, but you do live in Chelmsford. Practice the duck and dodge move in the mirror a few times before leaving your Garrison, you wouldn’t want to get any red paint on your Dooney.

If you and I were going on a first date, what would seal the deal for a second one? — Wondering Walter from Westford.
Well, Walter, I don’t think I would ever date a Walter, especially from Westford. All kidding aside, if you even utter the words: my ex, frat, Playstation 2, stripper, or barefoot and pregnant in the same breath, that first date would not even make it through the entrées.

How do you let one of your best friends know that her new boyfriend is a tool? — Deidra with a dilemma in Dracut.
Ooooh, that is a tough one, Deidra. That is worse than telling someone that they got a bad haircut. Well, maybe not. Your best bet is to just hope that she eventually grows out of him like her hair will. If she has a bogus beau and a horrible haircut, then I would dump her and find a new gal pal.

Try to stump Lowellita by e-mailing your questions to lowellita@lowellsun.com.