Lowell is ready for its closeup. For once, the Mill City will be in the spotlight for something other than sharing its name with a certain Red Sox player. It is time for Lowell’s 15 minutes of fame, which some may argue has been milked by our incessant bragging rights as the birthplace of beat author Jack Kerouac.

After years of speculation over whether the Micky Ward biopic The Fighter will ever make it up off the mat, the city is finally getting some confirmation that we’re not down for the count. We may even see film crews in Lowell before Britney Spears regains custody of her children.

Mark Wahlberg, who will play Ward, is said to be coming here to get into his part as the Lowell boxer. Wahlberg has adopted this movie as his stepchild and brought on fellow foster parent Brad Pitt to portray another Lowell resident — Ward’s brother and trainer, Dicky Eklund. That means Angelina Jolie may just be tagging along to the cobblestone streets with her children in tow.

Yes, gentlemen, wipe the drool off your chin now.

Lowell may be a bit more Hollyhood than Hollywood, but at least Brangelina will be able to run into our brand new Target, which will be open on Plain Street by then, for a box of Odwalla without a tribe of paparazzi in tow. Doesn’t Britney ever learn that assistants are for running errands? Maybe after she learns that lap dogs and Red Bulls are not accessories.
If our fine city on the banks of the Merrimack were to host the Brangelina crew, and I were somehow thrust into being their unofficial tour guide (in particular Mr. Pitt’s) where would I bring the clan?

Some obvious stops would be landmarks like Elliot’s Hot Dogs, since we all know Angelina could use a few “all-arounds.” It has become difficult recently to distinguish her biceps from a pair of Schonland’s natural casings.

Before you start sending me e-mails about how I am just jealous of Angie, I’ll save you from wasting your time and admit it — I am. Anyone who is covered in ink, was once married to a man with two first names, shares their name with a couple dozen strippers, passionately kissed their brother in public and is still considered the most desirable woman in the world is definitely someone for Lowellita to envy. Other gals with that under their belt would be part of the supporting cast on the white trash parody, “My Name is Earl.”

But Angelina is a remarkable woman and mother. I mean, hasn’t everyone seen the snapshots of her picking up Maddox from school? She was smart enough to give that kid a mohawk. What kindergarten bully is going to try to steal an organic fruit roll-up (yes, there is such a thing) from a kid sporting that do?

Speaking of the pint-sized punk rocker, Maddox can reconnect with his Cambodian roots in the Mill City.

His younger brother Pax, who is Vietnamese, can get in the cultural action, too. The four of us — that’s the boys, Brad and myself — can meet for a breakfast of Khmer omelets at Tepthida Khmer on Chelmsford Street.

Where is Angie while I am traipsing about the city with her men? At Inizio’s Day Spa experiencing their “Valley of the Temples Thai Massage.” And let’s keep her there. She needs a break from all the ... well, whatever it is she does with her days.

After breakfast, we can pick up Marky Mark. I could rattle off a list of places where we could go, but then again I would not want the paparazzi to hunt us down. I’m not looking for publicity. I would never want a picture of Pitt, Wahlberg and myself having martinis together, outside Caffé Paradiso one afternoon. That’s at the corner of Palmer and Middle streets in downtown Lowell, Us Weekly, if you didn’t know that. Just thought you should be aware, but no pictures please.

If you spot Mark or Brad on the corner then e-mail lowellita@lowellsun.com.