What a wacky, tacky world we live in.

In the worst case of sloppy seconds or thirds, Pamela Anderson applied for a marriage license in Las Vegas over the weekend. No she isn't giving Tommy or Kid Rock a second chance, her husband to be — Rick Salomon.

Not familiar with Rick? Well, he was the supporting actor in the infamous Paris Hilton sex tape "One Night in Paris". Yup, that's him.

It would be a third marriage for Salomon, who was married to 90210 alum Shannen Doherty. Doherty and Hilton got into a cat fight a couple of times during her divorce to Salomon. It will also be the third marriage for Anderson.

Hey, third times a charm..right?

After months of court dates and crazy antics that sent gossip rags in a tail spin, Britney Spears has lost custody of her two young boys. The judge in her court case ruled yesterday to surrender Sean Preston and Jayden James to their father, Kevin Federline.

This was prompted after K-Fed's lawyer discovered the Britster has been driving in Los Angeles without a license for the past five years. TMZ is reporting that last Friday, Commissioner Scott Gordon prohibited both Spears and Federline from driving the children unless they had a valid California driver's license.

After giving her two boys to the Fed-ex's body gaurds, Brit checked into the swank Peninsula Hotel in Beverly Hills.

And it is hitting a real hump in the gossip world today.

So far Britney Spears still doesn't have here kids, but she did get a legal driver's license. Also, Roid-head Danny Bonaduce tackled one of the "Survivor" cast members on stage at the Reality TV Awards (who knew there was such a thing) knocking out his teeth!

Oh and Kate Moss's ex Pete Doherty is allegedly engaged to model Irena Lazareanu, pictured here with Moss.

One of the things in life that many of us — including me — take pleasure in has just been stripped away from us. I am having a Britney Spears moment. That is when you have the power to remedy the situation, but you continue with the bad habits that eventually lead to you losing a relished item.

Lucky for me, in my case, it is only the cucumber relish that garnishes my coriander-spiced swordfish and not my two young sons.

How can I possibly make the comparison between a gourmet restaurant meal and a couple of innocent, pudgy-faced playboys of the future— the Brody Jenner and Spencer Pratt of 2027?
This is a tongue-in-cheek column. So in light of that, it is perfect that we are talking about licking up the last of my fabulous dinner and, well, ruddy-cheeked toddlers. See, I knew I could find a connection in this somewhere, even though when I started this column I thought I had bitten off more than I could swallow.

Oh, this is getting good and I am just warming up.

Stick a fork in it because I am through with going out to eat with my pals who work in the restaurant industry. Servers, prep cooks, bartenders, busboys, sommeliers, chefs and even dishwashers — if you work with food, stay home and boil your own pasta water. I am sure that you can turn the burner with more finesse and figure out a better salt-to-water ratio than the sous chef at Strega Ristorante in the North End of Boston.

When you make it past your early 20s, the appeal of rubbing against sweat-soaked college coeds and waking up next to someone whose first name is the only thing you know about them (if you can remember it) wears off. Thankfully.

The next step on the social-life ladder is having dinner out with your pals.

At my age, experiencing new trends in the world of wining and dining is far more pleasurable than the dollar drafts at the local dive. OK, I admit it, at times beers for a buck hit the spot more than the cumin-rubbed red snapper drizzled with a poblano pepper mole reduction. What spoils my appetite is my dinner companions.

Restaurant workers are critical, actually brutal, when it comes to eating out in establishments other than those they are loyal to. Things the normal nosher’s naked eye can’t see, they can pick up without any trouble.

Anything and everything ruins an otherwise pleasant plate in front of me. Salt shakers that are not filled to the top — gasp — that is unacceptable. Napkins folded in the wrong direction — how tacky of them. Entrées that are too cold, too hot, too bland, too spicy, too salty, not salty enough.

The best one I heard last time I was out to dinner: a wine glass that was filled too high. Who actually complains about the bartender’s heavy pour when you are drinking a $13 glass of shiraz?

But worse than all the whining over wine is when the bill hits the tablecloth. After listening to them deconstruct the entire meal like they were Joan Rivers critiquing Bret Michaels’ harem of ladies — uh, broads — on VH1’s Rock of Love, they tip the server like we just had a private meal cooked tableside by Wolfgang Puck. Thirty-five percent for a meal that practically made everyone at the table (except me) get a doggie bag they will conveniently leave on the way out is the final knife in my side.

Looks like I may be making reservations for a table for one more often than not after this hits the presses. But I’m not complaining.

Experienced a dreadful diner yourself? E-mail lowellita@lowellsun.com.

“If we took away women’s right to vote, we’d never have to worry about another Democrat president. It’s kind of a pipe dream, it’s a personal fantasy of mine, but I don’t think it’s going to happen. And it is a good way of making the point that women are voting so stupidly, at least single women. It also makes the point, it is kind of embarrassing, the Democratic Party ought to be hanging its head in shame, that it has so much difficulty getting men to vote for it. I mean, you do see it’s the party of women and ‘We’ll pay for health care and tuition and day care — and here, what else can we give you, soccer moms?’”

Anne Coulter said in the New York Observer

We are at a loss for words her at The Frosting. Even Britney Spears doesn't do that to us.

Is she or isn't she?

Jennifer Lopez has denied reports that she is pregnant.....this picture could be a bad angle or show she has gained some weight, but we think there is a baby on board!

What do you think?

The Spears family is coming out in support of their own. Britney's mother and little sister, Jamie Lynn flew from their home state Louisana to Los Angeles at the end of last week. Jamie Lynn, a spitting image of the Britster five years ago, has been photographed shopping and having dinner with her big sis all around Southern California.

Outside a sushi restaurant in Malibu yesterday the Spears sisters tried their best to just get their California roll fix, but were surrounded by an army of paparazzi. This lead to an outburst by a crazy by-stander screaming that Brit is not wanted int heir neighborhood and she makes it unsafe.

Standing up for her older sister, Jamie Lynn told her to "Move the F$%^ outta here!" The woman then swatted at the younger Spears but missed according to TMZ.com photogs that were at the scene.

Our stay-at-home spies called this morning to tell us that Mark Wahlberg himself confirmed on the Regis and Kelly Show that he is training for The Fighter!

Wahlberg, who is playing Lowell's own Micky Ward, in the biopic about the boxer, told Reg that Brad Pitt will be playing his brother Dickie Eklund in the flick. He also mentioned filming will begin sometime during the summer of 2008.

We are hoping that the Brangelina clan all comes to the Mill City! Keep your fingers crossed.

Stay tuned for more info on this story....

Mark Wahlberg has given MTV some of the first confirmation that "The Fighter", the biopic of Lowell's boxing great Micky Ward, is a go and that (hold your breath ladies) Brad Pitt will play Dickie Eklund!

Wahlberg told MTV: "'Irish' Micky Ward was, in my opinion, one of the greatest champions of all time, and the biggest heart that ever stepped into the ring. I am committed to making him proud, and I know that Brad feels the same way about portraying his brother Dickie. We are going to make it real."

The trascript from "Live with Regis and Kelly" this morning when Mark Wahlberg confirms "The Fighter" is a go:

REGIS: Here’s a very talented actor now starring a new film called “We Own the Night”. Please welcome back to our show, Mark Wahlberg [APPLAUSE]. Hey, Mark, how are you doing? You look great.

MARK: Thank you.

KELLY: How are you?

REGIS: Look at Mark Wahlberg. A freshmen in college. Look at that. You look terrific, man.

MARK: My mom watches all the time (garbled).

REGIS: That’s great.

MARK: How are you guys?

REGIS: You also look like you lost maybe a few pounds?

MARK: I have. I’ve been training for quite some time.

REGIS: That’s right, you’ve got a role coming up as a boxer, right mark? Micky Ward.

MARK: Yeah.

REGIS: So that’s a pretty good workout isn’t it, getting ready for a fight.

MARK: It is. I’ve been training now, the 13th of the month will be a year I’ve been training for this role and we’re probably not going to do it until mid to end of next year. But I know him. He’s a great champion.

REGIS: Is he from Boston?

MARK: He’s from Lowell, Massachusetts and I want to make him look good and make him proud.

KELLY: But at a certain point, do you feel like you could collapse? You don’t want to peak too soon before you start shooting.

MARK: Well, originally, we’re supposed to have already shot the movie.

REGIS: So you’re still in training!

MARK: It keeps getting pushed. But you know, good things don’t come easy. This is something I’ve always wanted to do. Doing “Invincible” was a big dream of mine, to put on NFL pads, so to play a champion, I want to look like one. I always feel like boxing movies have never really captured the real thing. I’m willing to go in there and take a couple of hits. Brad Pitt is going to play the older brother in the movie, an was willing to do the same. It will be very special.

REGIS: That’s terrific. So you’ll just continue training and comes the big..

MARK: And hopefully, it will happen.

Look for a full story in The Sun tomorrow by Rachel R. Briere.

The future. A concept that is overflowing with mystery and a sense of impending doom. Any day of the week you can pick up the newspaper or peruse the top stories on the ultimate tool of the tomorrow itself — the Internet, to find what year Armageddon will strike.

What does this computer crystal ball say?

The wasteful inhabitants of society will sip their last drop of water on Earth in 2324. But then it contradicts itself by claiming that 21 years prior in 2303, the polar ice caps will have completely melted leaving those who can swim stranded at the peak of Mount Everest. We’ll build a makeshift shanty town with those crazy climbers who dare to go nude in negative temperatures.

At least if we go clothes-free, the thermometer will register much higher than it did in 2217 from car emissions that depleted the entire ozone layer causing a skin cancer epidemic that annihilated a significant segment of the population. Damn you, global warming.

Oh, and Jesus returned to save us from all our pain and misery in 2219. He thought it was safe to resurrect after most of the Hollywood Hillers succumb to the Malibu melanoma outbreak of 2217 as it became known.

What is in store for next year?

To some it will be the end of the world. No, there is no rogue comet floating around the galaxy with Washington, D.C., the intended bulls-eye. What will bring chaos, catastrophe, castration and the collapse of civilization?

Hillary Clinton elected president of the United States?

Start building a bomb shelter now and stocking up on canned tomato soup.

How does all this talk of looming tragedy fit into the life of a humor columnist? It doesn’t, but I have become the go-to gal on everything from Britney Spears to tapas-style martini bars in downtown Lowell.

The name is Lowellita — not Madame Cleo. And I would charge more than $1.99 a minute.
One of my many skills is not looking into the future. If I had a crystal ball I wouldn’t ask if Britney will ever get her boys back or if Jennifer Lopez is pregnant with twins. I don’t care if Pam Anderson’s exes, Tommy Lee and Kid Rock, put their differences aside and team up to knock out her new hubby amateur pornographer, Rick Solomon.

I would ask what numbers to play in the Mega Ball. Back in April, I would have asked if the Red Sox would win the World Series, so I could sit with my feet up on my free leather recliner from Jordan’s while watching my boyfriend Beckett.

I can tell you that come November 2008, liberals will finally get their revenge for eight years of torture. Oh and what sweet revenge it will be.

All calls and e-mails to Lowellita are $5.99 a minute plus tax and should be sent to lowellita@lowellsun.com. Have your credit cards ready, all major ones accepted.

So do you think Tom Brady is taking modeling tips from his girlfriend Gisele?

Here is a pic of the New England Patriots QB for the new Stetson ads.

Let's go Pats and GOOOOOOOOOO Red Sox!

It has been a few days since our last post, but our favorite celebrity tabloid whores are not doing anything exciting lately.

Britney seems sober and she has been wearing underwear. Paris is planning an upcoming charity trip to Africa. Then Lindsay is out of rehab and back in LA, but she is on the wagon.

Where is all the scandal? We need a full moon.

All we have is washed-up actor, David Hasselhoff relasping. Amy Winehouse hasn't even turned up on drugs somewhere.

What are all these celebrities doing? Getting their Halloween costumes together?

The most difficult question to answer this year isn't who will you vote for it's what will you be for Halloween. My cubicle mate, Kathleen Pierce, wrote a fabulous story in yesterday's edition of The Sun about costumes this year. What is the most in demand look? Why America's poor little rich girl herself — Paris Hilton.

Oh the horror!

For only $39.99 you can look like Hiltie. The costume is complete with even Tinkerbell, her ever present arm candy.

Like Miss Hilton herself, a brain is not included.

Lowell is ready for its closeup. For once, the Mill City will be in the spotlight for something other than sharing its name with a certain Red Sox player. It is time for Lowell’s 15 minutes of fame, which some may argue has been milked by our incessant bragging rights as the birthplace of beat author Jack Kerouac.

After years of speculation over whether the Micky Ward biopic The Fighter will ever make it up off the mat, the city is finally getting some confirmation that we’re not down for the count. We may even see film crews in Lowell before Britney Spears regains custody of her children.

Mark Wahlberg, who will play Ward, is said to be coming here to get into his part as the Lowell boxer. Wahlberg has adopted this movie as his stepchild and brought on fellow foster parent Brad Pitt to portray another Lowell resident — Ward’s brother and trainer, Dicky Eklund. That means Angelina Jolie may just be tagging along to the cobblestone streets with her children in tow.

Yes, gentlemen, wipe the drool off your chin now.

Lowell may be a bit more Hollyhood than Hollywood, but at least Brangelina will be able to run into our brand new Target, which will be open on Plain Street by then, for a box of Odwalla without a tribe of paparazzi in tow. Doesn’t Britney ever learn that assistants are for running errands? Maybe after she learns that lap dogs and Red Bulls are not accessories.
If our fine city on the banks of the Merrimack were to host the Brangelina crew, and I were somehow thrust into being their unofficial tour guide (in particular Mr. Pitt’s) where would I bring the clan?

Some obvious stops would be landmarks like Elliot’s Hot Dogs, since we all know Angelina could use a few “all-arounds.” It has become difficult recently to distinguish her biceps from a pair of Schonland’s natural casings.

Before you start sending me e-mails about how I am just jealous of Angie, I’ll save you from wasting your time and admit it — I am. Anyone who is covered in ink, was once married to a man with two first names, shares their name with a couple dozen strippers, passionately kissed their brother in public and is still considered the most desirable woman in the world is definitely someone for Lowellita to envy. Other gals with that under their belt would be part of the supporting cast on the white trash parody, “My Name is Earl.”

But Angelina is a remarkable woman and mother. I mean, hasn’t everyone seen the snapshots of her picking up Maddox from school? She was smart enough to give that kid a mohawk. What kindergarten bully is going to try to steal an organic fruit roll-up (yes, there is such a thing) from a kid sporting that do?

Speaking of the pint-sized punk rocker, Maddox can reconnect with his Cambodian roots in the Mill City.

His younger brother Pax, who is Vietnamese, can get in the cultural action, too. The four of us — that’s the boys, Brad and myself — can meet for a breakfast of Khmer omelets at Tepthida Khmer on Chelmsford Street.

Where is Angie while I am traipsing about the city with her men? At Inizio’s Day Spa experiencing their “Valley of the Temples Thai Massage.” And let’s keep her there. She needs a break from all the ... well, whatever it is she does with her days.

After breakfast, we can pick up Marky Mark. I could rattle off a list of places where we could go, but then again I would not want the paparazzi to hunt us down. I’m not looking for publicity. I would never want a picture of Pitt, Wahlberg and myself having martinis together, outside Caffé Paradiso one afternoon. That’s at the corner of Palmer and Middle streets in downtown Lowell, Us Weekly, if you didn’t know that. Just thought you should be aware, but no pictures please.

If you spot Mark or Brad on the corner then e-mail lowellita@lowellsun.com.

Lindsay Lohan who is just back in Los Angeles after three months at Cirque Rehab in Utah is reportedly sporting an engagement ring.

Lilo who met her new beau in rehab, how romantic, was spotted wearing a ring on her left digit. When photogs asked if she was getting married her body gaurd mutterd "yeah". Her publicist says she has no plans to get hitched.

Lohan is seeing Riley Giles a professional snowboarder and ex-convict who was in Cirque at the same time as her. Giles was engaged to another woman, who found out about their romance through the tabloids.

It was a typical weekend in Hollywood. Fires rage on in Malibu. Britney Spears lost her visitation rights with her kids, then got them back. Magician David Copperfield is trying to make rape allegations disappear.

Oh and Kid Rock was arrested for fighting with someone of course.

Rock AKA Robert Ritchie was booked for getting into a brawl with customers at an Atlanta waffle house at 5 a.m. He was charged with a felony count of second degree criminal damage to property -- allegedly for smashing a window. The damage was estimated at more than $500, which is a felony in Georgia.

After his stellar game against the Miami Dolphins on Sunday, Patriots QB Tom Brady got his other game on with his gal-pal, supermodel Gisele Bundchen. The Brady Bundch spent time on the warm sands of South Beach, but shouldn't the Papa Patriot be getting ready for next week's game? Or do the Red Skins just stand no chance against the undefeated Pats?

We are so happy that the two seem so much in love, but can't help but wonder where is Brady's son? Seems like Daddy does not play fairly.

Celebrity gossip czar web site TMZ are reporting that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are back together! To attend their first parenting class that is.

Fed Ex and Brit were ordered by the family court judge to attend a number of classes separate and together. They will meet with a parenting coach without their two sons present.

This is only the third time the exes have been in the same room since they parted ways.

Brit just recently made the news for running over a chasing parparazzi for the second time within a month. Both times, the photographer did not press charges.

Lowell resident, Hip-Hop artist and WFNX DJ, D-Tension, was nominated for a Boston Music Award today.

Along with D-Tension nods went to Killswitch Engage, Boys Like Girls, Lori McKenna, Matt Nathanson, Josh Ritter, Shadows Fall, The Click Five, John Mayer, Buffalo Tom, The Slip, Eli “Paperboy” Reed, Dinosaur Jr., Melissa Ferrick, Converge, Bon Savants, Dropkick Murphys and Martin Sexton.

The event will be held at the Orpheum Theater, the event’s home in the late 80’s and 90’s on Saturday, Dec. 1. The 20th Annual Boston Music Awards (BMAs) is the country’s longest running regional awards show.

Let's give a holla back for the hometown boy!

It is that time of year again.

When the demand for Xanax, Paxil and Lexapro causes a surge on the black market. Christmas comes early for drug dealers and pharmacists here in Red Sox Nation. Manny, Jacoby, Papi and Pedroia cause more angst to us in October than Ellen DeGeneres’ pampered pup will ever experience over the recent doggie debacle.

Who cares where that mutt ends up? The four-legged friend is still going to have a more expensive hair cut and wear more designer duds than I ever will. Never mind all this canine crying, there are far worse things to shed tears over when the leaves start to tumble off the trees. Like for example, hooker-themed Halloween costumes.

Now, I have written about the exact same topic for the past two years in hopes of starting a movement liberating ladies from these polyester horrors. It has not seemed to have worked. At a costume party I attended last weekend, there was enough fishnet to catch Moby Dick.

There was a sexy Strawberry Shortcake, a ghetto Goldilocks and a Raggedy Ann that looked like she was going to amateur night at Macs Two in Billerica. I don’t know why the racy referee bothered to wear a skirt, she was showing more than a centerfold. That outfit made a few male party-goers yell “touchdown.” Cheesy guys, to say the least.

If you were at the party you’re probably thinking didn’t yours truly have on fishnets ? I admit I gave into the whole scary skank shtick: stockings, heavy eyeliner, overly teased hair and all. But at least I was not the porno translation of nursery-rhyme character — I was Amy Winehouse. After looking at the pictures I should have said “No. No. No!”

Why is the Halloween hooker such a celebrated look? Do we all secretly wish we were one of Hef’s Girls Next Door? Maybe, but definitely not Kendra. DeGeneres’ dog has more brain than that bottle blonde. She would make a perfect streetwalker scarecrow ... “If I only had a brain.”

Maybe I am barking up the wrong tree. I imagine Lowellita loyalists would not object if the naughty ninja turtle showed up at their doorstep looking for a treat. I am also sure that many have a garter belt in their panty drawer as well. It is just my hope that someday I will be able to watch the Wizard of Oz without thinking about Dorothy in patent leather red pumps and a checkered micro-mini.

I guess we’re not in Kansas anymore.

Has Lowellita turned into the Wicked Witch of the city? E-mail lowellita@lowellsun.com.

Britney Spears will appear before Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon at a Los Angeles court house this morning. She will be asking to regain shared custody of her two boys, Sean Preston and Jayden James.

Brit's ex husband, Kevin Federline, has had full custody since she disobeyed the judge's orders to attend parenting classes and stay sober a couple of weeks ago.

We are sure that choas will ensue as she enters the court house. Let's hope she does not run the foot of a third paparazzi over. My question is...would that be eligible for workmen's comp.

Russel Crowe threw fellow actor Leonardo DiCaprio under the bus. The Austrailian actor is making the interview circuit promoting his new movie "American Ganster" . In an article in Entertainment Weekly, the man from down under says that when he worked with DiCaprio when he was 18 he was still a virgin!

"He was a virgin, and he would talk about that constantly. So I'm hoping we have some time so he can fill in what's happened in between. Maybe show some photos," Crowe told the reporter.

The modelizer is currently with Israeli born model Bar Rafeali (in photo) after his longterm relationship with Gisele Bundchen ended more than a year ago. Gisele is now with our Patriots star QB, Tom Brady.

We are wishing our readers a Happy Halloween early this year!

This lovely picture was taken at the Playboy Mansion's costume party this weekend. Why Paris Hilton was with Larry Birkhead beats me. Why Birkhead was even there is even more of a mystery.

Look out for more celebs dressed up like nursery rhyme hookers in the next day or so!