I am a former Catholic school girl. Stop now. Do not contact me through e-mails, phone calls, smoke signals or flowers. Though, a dozen roses would be fabulous. (You can find the newspaper’s address on the Web.)

I am not going to meet you in the back alley of the Old Court with my pleated plaid skirt and knee-highs. My uniform was burned the day after my eighth grade graduation. To this day, I still break into hives at the sight of a wool and polyester blend. Also, I can never wear the same outfit twice in one week, sometimes within one month, without feeling a bit of anxiety.

Although I attended Catholic school for nine years, I am about as religious as Paris Hilton before her slammer stint. I still will not take you up on the rendezvous, so don’t ask.

The Vatican just issued a set of driving commandments — and this isn’t the George Carlin’s “rules of the road” from the flick Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. I had no idea when I cut off someone on the Connector yesterday that I was going straight to hell. Actually, I knew I was sleeping with the devil a long time ago. His name is ...

Kidding. Maybe not. If you were scared your name was going to be there, you’re going with me.
In the spirit of things, I decided to issue my own set of commandments for dating. By abiding by the following dating decree you can save yourself from getting a sign that involves the hand, but is not of the cross.

I. Thou shalt not flash thy killer smile to mask thy evil attempts to perform sinful acts. This includes Dick Cheney.
II. Thou shalt not introduce us as your “friend” so-and-so to family, co-workers or worse, female acquaintances, if we have a designated dresser drawer at your place.
III. Thou shalt make an offer to pick up the tab on at least the first couple of dates without expecting an after-dinner treat at our expense.
IV. Thou shalt not carry on a cell phone conversation in our presence.
V. Thou shalt not carry on a cell phone conversation with another woman in our presence.
VI. Thou shalt erase from thy vocabulary the following statement: “You’re perfect. Why aren’t you married yet?” This is not a compliment. We don’t need to be reminded of something we think of every morning when we look in the mirror.
VII. Thou shall never ask if we have any hot single friends to fix up with your not-so-hot roommate.
VIII. If there has not been any contact within three days, thou shalt never call at 3 a.m.
IX. Thou shalt not conveniently forget to mention that you are married.
X. Thou shalt never ask us to dress up in as a Catholic schoolgirl outfit.

I may be dancing with the devil here and selling my soul, but at least I will have a better tan.

E-mail your prayers for my soul to lowellita@lowellsun.com.