It is time to break out the white pants. Memorial Day weekend means many things to each one of us LAers. Time to dust off the grill, open the pool, start using those banked sick days — come on you deserve a war badge for going to the office with pneumonia just to save them for a beach day. And most importantly — Monday off from the slave ship we all call work.
The three-day weekend tends to bring out the best of Greater Lowellian style. Now that we have shed our North Face parkas, the whole world can see what we have been hiding underneath. I wonder if Mother Nature knew that those who reside in the chilly Northeast would give Glamour an entire decade worth of “don’ts” in just the three months we call summer. This may be why she punished us with Nor’easters, blizzards and unseasonably cold days — just so we would remain bundled up.
With all that being said I am here to help you decipher what works and what will send even the sharks swimming in another direction.
• If you are not a size 7, do not wear size 7 pants. That means nothing less than 7 is acceptable either. Unless you’re getting dressed in a fun house mirror, be honest with yourself. You’ll save yourself from looking like a sausage over stuffed in casing.
• Just say no to flip-flops at work. Not because I think it is a fashion flub to wear what my father calls shower shoes to the office, it’s that they make that hideous clacking sound when you walk causing major distraction.
• Wife beaters are never in style. The worst offenders are the ones that wear them tucked into belted shorts, like they are part of an outfit. Wife beaters are not acceptable at the beach, on the street, at the mall or even drinking Schlitz on your stoop.
• Tube socks with slides. Socks and sandals, are one of the most baffling fashion faux pas people make. They make sandals for a reason — so you can wear no socks. It is criminal to wear thongs with white tube socks.
• Men who wear underwear at the beach with swim trunks. You have that net thing going on down there, why then the extra barrier? Afraid a jelly fish will swim up your shorts? Not even an creature without a brain wants to — give it up.
• Chipped toe nail polish. If toes weren’t already the least attractive feature on your entire body now you go to wearing sandals with unpedicured feet!?! The most traumatic experience is when you’re in a bathroom and catch a glimpse of the feet next to you. You don’t even exit the stall to see which one of your co-workers is exposing their bunion and claw-like pinkie toe nail. How will you ever look at them the same way again?
• Visors — they are just obnoxious. Please discontinue their use immediately.
• Capri pants on short people. They are supposed to stop right below the knee or mid-calf, if I have to explain this one you obviously have a closet full.

Did I miss any sloppy summer styles? E-mail lowellita@lowellsun.com.