Extra, extra, read all about it. Sheryl Crow is No. 1, no doubt about it. Too bad that the Grammy’s golden girl tops the losers in love list. In Touch Weekly’s “Worst Luck in Love” poll was released this week just as all of its ladies spent Easter Sunday bingeing on chocolate bunnies. It was probably pretty tricky to find laxatives at the local drug store in Los Angeles after the poll hit the stands.
I wish I was Crow’s non-English speaking housekeeper when the rumor rag editors called to give her the good news.
Editor: “Hi, is this Sheryl?”
Crow: “No, I already told you that I am not interested in doing a duet with Keith Urban to get his career out of the toilet. He has to get his head out of it first. Call me when Timberlake is available. That boy is like Midas — everything he touches turns to gold, not to mention he usually has steamy scenes with his co-stars in his videos.”
Editor: “No Sheryl, we want to put you on the cover of our magazine.”
Crow: “I’m not going to take my clothes off unless you pay for a lift and tuck. I mean I am a 40-year-old woman! And I want that Dr. 90210, no hacks!”
Editor: “This isn’t Playboy, it’s In Touch and you were named our No. 1 Hollywood hottie on the ‘Worst Luck in Love’ poll.”
Crow: “Did that good-for-nothing biker put you up to this? Because I can assure you he is a “1” in a certain area.”
Can you even imagine being honored for your famous failures? And how is it that Sheryl Crow tops the list of all the divorcees and bitter exes in La-La Land? There are much more worse-off celebrities than Ms. Crow — Pamela Anderson, Britney Spears, Anna Nicole Smith or even Halle Berry. I think Ms. Berry more than qualifies for first place. She was first married to a baseball player that didn’t just hit a ball. Then she got hitched to an admitted sex addict, which was just a cop-out for being a philandering pig. And she even tried to kill herself over her failed marriages.
In Touch’s loser lover’s list just gets stranger with Paula Abdul as the runner-up and Tyra Banks third. OK so the Idol judge may not be able to score an A-list alpha male, but what exactly qualifies her for second place? And a Victoria’s Secret model can’t get a man — boo-hoo! The mag claims that bootylicious Banks has had a “harder time than ever finding a date since the Tyra Banks Show debut.” Maybe she should have stuck with the original formula of taking her clothes off and keeping her mouth shut, instead of keeping her clothes on and spouting off everyday. No pity from this gal. Sorry, Tyra.
Rounding out the top five are MTV’s Laguna Beach alum and The Hills hottie, Lauren Conrad, aka LC, whose conquests include her fellow Laguna classmate bad-boy Jason Wahler, who basically is a carbon copy of Jake Gyllenhaal without a brain; Pacific playboy and rich kid Brody Jenner who most recently has been “seen” around L.A. with American Idol Justin “Timber-fake” Chris Richardson. Not too shabby, if you ask me.
And then there is Mariah Carey at No. 5. So she hasn’t really been linked to anyone since she dumped Tommy Mattola, except Derek Jeter who I wouldn’t mind on my list of exes.
But if these women are unlucky in love after dating some of the hottest men in Hollywood, what are the rest of us?

Who would be your top five with the worst luck in love? E-mail lowellita@lowellsun.com.