If my eighth grade religion teacher was aware that last Wednesday I was so enthralled in the battles of bald Britney Spears and Tom Brady’s baby blunder that I did not even realize it was the beginning of Lent, she would have busted into at least 10 Hail Marys in order to save my soul.
Being the product of nine never-ending years in a Catholic grammar school, I myself am feeling a bit guilty that I didn’t give any thought to what I was going to forgo for 40 days. It’s already too late to give up any of my vices so instead, in Lowellita tradition, I decided to see what our favorite and not-so-favorite celebrities might be abandoning until the second Sunday in April.

Howard K. Stern —The lawyer/lover/liar should give up three things for each of his personalities. We can start with his license to practice law, then Dannielynn’s DNA and lastly the real reason behind Anna Nicole Smith’s unexpected demise.

Anna Nicole Smith — Hey, she is still not buried so until then she technically counts as part of the population. But I don’t really know if there is anything left for her to give up ... her dignity, her reputation, her soul ...?

Tom Brady — His aspirations to be a politician someday.

Britney Spears — Her two sons, Sean Preston and Jayden James. Well at least until her hair grows back, she might traumatize the little buggers for life with her Captain Jean Luc Picard inspired look.

Christina Aguilera — The color red. It’s over, please find a new signature style.

Lindsay Lohan — Being sober. Can you say B-O-R-I-N-G! When is this girl going to take some of the heat off Britney and start flashing her goods around town while fighting with Paris Hilton in a drunken rage again? I thought her and Britney were pals? Doesn’t she know when to step in on behalf of her friends in need?

Jennifer Hudson — Pretending to like Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson and especially Simon Cowell.

MySpace Tom — His default profile pic. Change your T-shirt and lose the smile ... I’ll just stop while I’m ahead, this column is about a religious holiday you know.

Cameron Diaz — The dirt on Justin Timberlake. Come on girl, the boy dived right onto the playing field with not one, but two starlets within the same week of your split. Hit him where it hurts and give an exclusive tell-all to People.

Did I leave anyone out? If so, then e-mail Lowellita@lowellsun.com,/b> and save your prays for someone else.